I moved from California to Portugal as a single mother of two children. Here people really care about children.

• Aisha Canfield is a single mother of two daughters, ages 6 years and 22 months

• She moved from California to Lisbon, Portugal in August 2023.

• She says it’s hard to be parents in the US when there is so much individualism.

This as-told essay is based on a conversation with Aisha Canfield. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I toyed with the idea of moving to Portugal when I was still married and my first child was still very young. The end of my marriage and the birth of my second child really broke down the structures I was a part of, and the loss of my life as I knew it made room for me to dream again.

I had a sense of freedom that I could create a life for my daughters and me that my marriage and the US could not provide. I had been to Portugal a few times and was drawn to the shared value of community.

I wanted something different for my daughters

In the US, individualism really makes up for this difficult as a parent, especially as a single parent. There is an expectation of martyrdom for mothers, shaming of single mothers, and praise for working as if we don’t have children and raising children as if we don’t work.

I realized I wanted a break from socialization and… message of capitalism, and Portugal offered that. I wanted to break generational expectations of women and the mothers in my family. I wanted to model something different for my own daughters.

I spent eighteen very happy years in the United States San Francisco Bay Area, and while I loved it immensely, I needed to be in a place where I could reimagine motherhood. I knew I had to feel a sense of wonder. I wanted a place where I could feel and see the culture. I needed a place that embraced diversity. More importantly, I also knew that I needed to live somewhere with some shared socio-political values.

I also wanted safety for all of us

As a gay woman, I wanted to live somewhere where I could have rights, community, and safety. For my children, being able to sit in a classroom and learn without the threat of being murdered was a driving force from the US. My oldest was 4 at the time and in Pre-K and already participating active shooter exercises. The idea that gun rights take precedence over children’s rights is unconscionable.

The well-being and safety of children It’s not something that has been politicized or even discussed in Portugal – there are no school shootings here, and I can’t imagine there ever will be. As a country, it seems that Portugal makes decisions based on collective well-being.

Children are integrated into life here

Children in Portugal are much more integrated into the daily lives of adults than in the US, where parents must constantly juggle their own lives with those of their children under this unnecessary demarcation. In Portugal, children of all ages can be found in restaurants with their families all the time, and parks have kiosks where parents can enjoy a drink while their children play.

Although life with children is hectic under any circumstances, integrating in Portugal alleviates the fear I have as a single mother of showing up with multiple people every day. There is no expectation that single mothers will show up as if they are not single mothers. We are offered many graces that are not widely offered to us in the US, beyond our immediate friends and family.

I have been invited to so many homes where nothing more than two hungry children are expected of me. I’ve had people bring me meals and groceries to give me a reprieve. Children are so coveted that we don’t always stand in line at the grocery store when the baby screams. Strangers stop to soothe the baby on the street, sometimes even offering to hold her to give me a break.

There’s one here at the airport line for families only. When airport employees see that I am alone, they personally leave their post, grab all my luggage and take me to the next place I need to be. In general, time passes much more slowly here, so I’m not expected to always be on time, which is helpful with two small children.

In fact, Portugal allows me to become aware of my parenting style and gives me the opportunity to recreate myself as a mother. I am aware as I age from a place of survival, and I am working on pausing. The slower and more present lifestyle in Portugal reminds me of how unnecessarily urgent everything was in the US and how in turn I became an ‘urgent’ parent.

I’m grateful that Portugal exemplifies other ways to be a parent: prioritizing ourselves, our children and our time.

Read the original article on Business Insider