My child’s hair was cut and she says it wasn’t her

Dear Amy: I have a weird parenting question.

My 4 year old takes a short nap after she gets home from preschool. After her nap yesterday she came downstairs and her hair was cut!

She denies doing this and is very upset.

Her bangs were cut all the way down to her hairline, and one entire side was cut short.

I’m afraid she would do this. It seems really dangerous and self-harming. And she denied doing it, even though she clearly did. So she’s lying.

My husband and I don’t really know what to do about this. We don’t know how worried we should be.

– Concerned parents

Dear Concerned: Congratulations—you’ve just completed a near-universal rite of passage for parents of four-year-olds.

Children this age seem to be forced to cut their hair. And most of them lie about it. (I remember blaming my sister for cutting mine off while I was sleeping.)

This is not self-harming. This is beautifying. And curiosity. And a growing awareness of how scissors work. (It’s quite remarkable that children who do this don’t seem to injure themselves.)

Stay calm and good humored. Tell your daughter that hair takes a long time to grow and that now that it has been cut, she will need to be patient while it grows back. Tell her that the scissors are very sharp and that she should ask you if she wants to use them.

Take her to a salon or barbershop so a professional can work things out. (Correcting these self-cuts is probably why the “pixie cut” was invented.)

Your child’s preschool teachers are a great source of wisdom. Ask for their advice.

dear Amy: I have a neighbor who has previously been convicted of a sex offense involving a “child.” He spent some time in prison.

I don’t know the exact circumstances, but I understand that the term “child” can include a person as young as an infant or as old as a teenager.

The sex offender is married and has two young children.

I know he and his wife want to keep his history private.

However, the other neighbors where I live are unaware of the situation, and their children play and interact with the sex offender’s family.

Should I inform the unknowing neighbors of his status as a sex offender, or should I remain silent?

I would appreciate your advice.

– Insecure

Dear unsure: You don’t say how you know about this crime, but you have to assume these neighbors don’t want others to know he’s a convicted sex offender. But this is not up to them.

Convicted sex offenders are assigned a status: level 1, 2 or 3. Level 1 is considered ‘low risk of recidivism’ and level 3 ‘high risk of recidivism’. Every state maintains a sex offender registry. You can check the register within your zip code to see whether your neighbor is registered and what the classification is.

The reason the registry exists is because people need to know if there are sex offenders living in the community so that children can be kept away from predators.

Wearing this virtual scarlet letter is the ongoing consequence of committing a sex crime against a child.

Your offending neighbor must make his or her convictions public. If he is classified as low risk, he must disclose this and explain the circumstances – for example, if he was 19 and had a sexual relationship with a person who was a minor in his country. (A convicted person can go to prison with a Level 1 offense, but the punishment also appears to depend on the state where the offense occurred.)

In short, I suggest that the convicted perpetrator and his wife do the ethical thing by informing others of his criminal status.

They most likely won’t, and so, yes, you should let the parents around you know.

People who have been notified should make every effort to independently verify the information through a neutral source, such as the Sex Offender Registry. (Check nsopw.gov.)

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