In defense of Rob Port

I am done with the gross slander being slandered against my closest personal colleague, Rob Port, accusing him of not being a legitimate Rightie. Of course he is! I can assure you that Rob is a terrible person.

I suppose the last thing a puppy frog like Rob needs is a testimonial from people like me, but honestly, I’m nervous. If Rob is excommunicated, do you know where he will end up? On the left side of the opinion page, and that will destroy my woke street cred, which is shaky enough.

Why a letter writer recently called Mike McFeely, Jim Shaw and Jack Zaleski “the axis of journalistic evil.” Which seems redundant. Great band name though. Dib. But what about me, the Evelest Knievelest columnist in the building? Not that I want credit, but I want credit.

Who do you think is actually riding over these minions of the Metropolis?

Hey, boss, what kind of woke commie stuff are we doing today?

“Okay, McFeely, you’re addressing the contradictions between Christian dogma and Republican actions. Keep it to 50,000 words… Shaw, put itching powder in Scott Hennen’s underwear… is he still wearing Vladimir’s Secret? Port? What are you doing here? Scratch! And Zaleski… Zaleski… Wake up!’

Without supervision, McFeely would spend all day removing junk from the lobby aquarium. Before you know it, the joint smells like grilled fish. If it weren’t for Tammy Swift’s devil eggs, I’d put the kibosh on these picnics.

But back to my defense of Rob Port. For starters, Righties, he did two sets of truck nuts on his Prius. Sure, maybe not hate ‘the gays’, but he hates rainbows. And he once shot a man in Reno just because he was wearing Crocs. It’s a start.

This is a guy who beat up Joe Rogan over the last beer. It wasn’t Budweiser either. Chuck Norris had to take it apart.

Rob Port radiates Justice. The last time he took me to lunch, he had Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Scott Baio’s Selected Readings on the stereo, and we were carried openly to Taco Bell. Damn right, we got extra guacamole. When he pulled out his wallet, I thought I saw a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene. It could be Yogi Berra. Rob is a big Yankees fan.

Conspiracy theories? He hugs them. Stolen elections. Obama Birth Certificate. The flat Earth, fake moon landings, chem trails… damn, Rob Port sniffs out chem trails for lunch. Unless we eat fish. I can’t believe his Rightie reputation is being questioned. Rob steals lollipops from babies, for goodness sake; what else do you want?!

First they came for Rob Port. Then they came for Tammy Swift. Then they came to get Tammy Swift’s brownies. Actually, they first came for Tammy Swift’s brownies…

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.