A distant sibling longs for connection – Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: After our teenage years, my brother and I became close.

After my mother abruptly left town to be with another man, my brother and I had to clean up the mess, literally and figuratively.

We worked well together. A year or two later he and his family moved far away. I did my best to keep in touch, but schedule differences made it difficult.

When we do talk, he keeps the conversation to about five minutes.

I noticed that I’m usually the one reaching out.

I asked him about this, and he said he would try harder, and that he missed our closeness. But he doesn’t try anymore.

I’ve asked him if he doesn’t want a relationship, and he always says he does, but that he’s just busy.

However, I see him and his wife communicating with our mutual friends on social media. (They stopped interacting with me through my social media posts a few years ago.) I don’t like how these relationships feel one-sided. I feel especially hurt when mutual friends say they’ve talked to them recently.

After multiple attempts to make them more prominent in our relationships, I feel like I have to avoid any attempts to interact with them because it feels like there is something they are not being honest about.

They don’t even know about our parents’ declining health because they don’t contact them either.

What should I do?

– Sad brother or sister

Dear Sad: You called your brother and his wife, and you presented their lack of interest as a binary: They’re in, or they’re out.

I think you need to stop asking for or expecting more than you get from them – for about five minutes every now and then.

Your brother doesn’t want to have more contact. If he wanted more, he would take the initiative or ask for more – like you do.

He has no contact with your parents, and contact with you reminds him of this choice, which he probably feels guilty about.

You’re thinking about walking away from the relationship, but I suggest you only walk away from your expectations. You want to be closer. He does not do that. This is a painful situation that you will have to work hard to accept. If you do less, he might do more – but there’s no guarantee.

If you would like to talk to your brother, please reach out. Be honest about your own vulnerability: “I wish we were closer because I enjoy you and I miss you.” That is it.

Dear Amy: I have only been able to use the handicapped bathrooms for the past 10 years.

Many places have only one larger stall, which is often occupied by a non-disabled person.

The regular stalls are empty, but I can’t use them and have to wait until the person comes from the disabled stable.

People who use the stall are often on their phones.

Recently I was at a sports facility and the athletes were using the handicapped stalls, while more than 10 regular stalls were empty.

Have we become so indifferent that everyone just uses the “big” stalls, instead of worrying about those of us who actually need them?

– Holding it

Dear Holding It: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this frustration. These larger cubicles are installed in every public bathroom to meet the legitimate needs of people with disabilities who require more space and possibly grab bars to use the facility.

But the other stalls in the public toilets are so small that they cannot accommodate people with luggage or young children (for example).

It’s common for any able-bodied person to make room for you to use the larger stall if they see you waiting, but if they don’t know you’re waiting because they’re in the stall, they can’t offer you.

I wonder if you can ask through the door, “Are you going to be there long?” Because this is the only stall I can use.”

Dear Amy: “Torn in Wisconsin” asked you for strategies for dealing with her very smart son who had dropped out of college, was well-behaved, didn’t look for work and played video games all day.

You should have suggested that this young man has ADHD!

– Another way

Dear Other Opinion: These parents won’t know anything about what their son is experiencing if they don’t make some changes at home. ADHD may be an underlying cause.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)