Don’t tip unless this one thing happens

You may remember the sign in restaurants and cafes: Tipping is not a city in China.

First of all, we don’t know. The Communist Party was notoriously secretive when it came to cartography. Secondly, Tipping sounds like a nice town in England. Welcome to Tipping, down the road from Pudding Abbey.

What the sign meant, of course, is that tipping is an expected ending to your meal, a fulfillment of a social norm that expressed your appreciation and attention to the waiter. As an Obercorps veteran, I tip. But we’re in a new era of increased tipping, and I think we’re a year away from the self-serve gas pump screen asking if you want to add 20% because the clerk said, “Go ahead with two.” “

You might stare at the gas pump screen and think, “Am I angry about the creepy culture of tipping, or am I just using my outrage to mask my own cheapness?”

Well, I’m here to tell you exactly when you should and shouldn’t tip.

Here’s a good example: Recently I ordered a meal online. Bucket glop with chicken pieces, rice side, ersatz waterfowl, also called fake duck. I would pick it up. There was a tipping option, with suggested amounts ranging from 15-25%.

I turned down the opportunity and checked out… no, that wasn’t allowed. The web page returned to the tip options.

I couldn’t order food unless I promised a tip. So I clicked on “Custom Tip” and entered 0.00. I press checkout… No. 0.00 was also unacceptable.

“Just put in one cent,” my wife said.

“That makes me look like a jerk!”

She looked at me curiously. “Who will notice?”

“The correct answer was, ‘Of course, my dear, you’re not a jerk, why would anyone think that.’ But let that rest for a moment. One cent is a statement. You can’t do that before they finish the food. They spit in the sauce twice.”

I closed the app and placed the order by phone.

This is why I didn’t tip. I drove to the restaurant, carried the package to my car and drove home. If anything, I thought I should get a 20% discount. In order to tip, there must be some locomotion, an act of transportation.

Even in a restaurant, where the waitress – Flo, pink uniform, white apron, funny, knows everyone’s name, married to Bob, who always stops by the grain elevator after his shift for a piece of cake and of course she charges him if all others, but maybe he’ll get a little more of the bits of apple that have fallen off from the rest – if she just takes the plate of eggs and bacon out of the warmer lights and walks a few steps, that’s an action that can be reversed.

If there’s footwork involved, you tip.

By the way, Youtip is probably a city in Cambodia, so keep that in mind.